I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?