[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
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[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.