A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
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I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.