She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
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Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
These work great until they don’t.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.