Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
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2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*