my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
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When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.