I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
You Might Also Like
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?