Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
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My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.