I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
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Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]