Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
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jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.