asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I will never stop laughing at this
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
When libraries troll their patrons.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.