computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
You Might Also Like
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
B
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
That’s enough internet for the day
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say