This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
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due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I am also baked goods
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Warm pools make me nervous.
You deplete me
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Anime is real
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.