waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
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I’m about to risk it all
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open