Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
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Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
The French word for sex is croissant.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
🙅🏻
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*