Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
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When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.