My patience has stretch marks.
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STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Ain’t no way
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making