“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
You Might Also Like
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?