I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
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[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.