Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
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Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox