If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
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Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Is this a threat?
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.