*shrugs*
*swipes right*
You Might Also Like
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
This is the one
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.