If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
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SPLOOT
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”