Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
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Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked