Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
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You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I鈥檝e never seen a baby work on a car.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I鈥檓 not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
馃檨
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 馃槈
doctor: hahahaha 馃檪
me: i’ll be here all week haha 馃檪
doctor: haha give or take
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 馃槶 yes
I鈥檓 at my most cat-like when I鈥檓 starting a roll of toilet paper.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman鈥檚 secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.