People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
You Might Also Like
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Cannot stop laughing at this
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.