Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
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You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers