The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
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My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Me too door. Me too.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
choose your fighter
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
🤣✨#caturday
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I’d love this…lol
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*