[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
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Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit