A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
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dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Fries, not lies.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.