I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
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“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Sharon, call the vet
Bit chilly again tonight.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.