[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Ironic
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive