I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
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Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Good advice.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people