WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
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*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.