[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
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“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
How software testing works
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.