Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
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Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
guys i’ve cracked the code
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?