I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
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[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.