“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
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“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.