Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
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TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me