Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
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it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.