What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
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There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors