(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
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[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Warm pools make me nervous.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone