A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air