roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
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CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
grotesque if literal: baby food
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.