My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
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I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen