Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
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Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale