FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
You Might Also Like
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.