Twitter remains undefeated
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I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.