I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
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Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.