ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
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[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
No regrets in 2018
sensitive skin
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.